All you need is…...

Această poveste a fost scrisă pe data de 30 Iulie 2024. Este proastă și scrisă în limba engleză, dar, cu toate acestea, o să o arhivez aici, în forma ei originală (needitată sau modificată), pentru că este inspirația următoarei povești scurte de aici.

I woke up hearing loud thumps, my body frozen up, barely able to twitch my muscles. I was awake, yet ready to slip up into unconsciousness, I could see the dark shapes of the banged up decor of my room around me. I seemed to be alone, but there were still thumping sounds coming from the hallway, the shadows seemed to merge into the shape of a deformed silhouette. There was a strong impulse to retreat back into the void, I resisted it . I was laying on my back, barely able to utter inarticulate sounds that were supposed to resemble words: “f…uhu…f…uhu”, the thumps grew closer, but I wasn’t giving in, my breath grew strained and uneven, I managed to start shouting: “go away, go away”, I felt the cold sweat running down my body, my head felt heavy, my mind was numb, the silhouette was gone.

It took me a moment to gather myself up, I knew full well what that was. The ancient people thought it was demonic possession, they weren’t that far off, ever since I had my chip implanted I seem to face a lot of shadows. I rose up, went on the balcony to light up a cigarette, my heart still racing. The chip’s operating system was still adjusting to my brain’s electrical impulses, nothing I wasn’t warned about when starting the trial. New tech always had rough spots to be grinded out, this was a minor inconvenience compared to the competitive advantage it was offering me, I thought as my cigarette was sizzling between my fingers. The cold morning wind was running across my body and I could see the gentle crack of dawn upon me, it filled me with life, a divine spark lifting away a curse. I’ve put out my cigarette and decided to embrace the new day ahead of me.

While my OS was checking its logs from last night, I took a hot shower, got dressed, brewed some hot coffee to go and got out. The city was already bustling, the smell of exhaust fumes was in the air, the sign of a living, thriving metropolis, a beacon of humanity. The logs showed a cortisol spike just before waking up. I was weighing whether or not to get something prescribed for that while taking the shuttle to work, it started to rain heavily. We were packed more than usual, people were wrestling to get inside to the tune of energy drink advertisements.

I tried to distract myself, I didn’t want to stare directly at the scene, I started to think about the trial: the Automated Performance Improvement Trial, it was an experiment at my workplace, they were offering under performing, underachievers an alternative to losing their job: getting a chip implanted that would automate their daily tasks, so far it has worked wonders for me, I managed to be a top performer by a long shot. Before this I just did the bare minimum, enough not to get fired, but not to get a promotion. I was ok with where I was, but shareholders weren’t content, they felt like they could improve the efficiency of every department by using a new chip their prized R&D division worked on. This was probably one of the greatest achievements of mankind and I felt pride to participate in such a groundbreaking experiment, even in such a mediocre manner.

As I arrived at work, I met up with one of my coworkers who was very upset that he was denied access to the office building, his badge seemed to be malfunctioning and he was pacing around the front of the building trying to get in touch with his supervisor or at least to get an explanation, there were also other people from multiple departments in the same situation. A bug in the system maybe? I tried my own badge and I was allowed access, I was a bit in a rush, I had really strict quotas and I already had a couple of warnings regarding my punctuality on my record, so I had to wish my coworker good luck and move on to my post.

As the elevator arrived at my designated floor, I was greeted by a dead office. There were only a couple of people around in what is usually a pretty packed office space. I was greeted by my boss, who was very eager to talk to me about something. He invited me to his office, the bookshelves there cluttered with all sorts of awards and pictures with him and the higher ups, a true monument to his corporate career.

The boss eagerly sat down and began speaking: “Here is the deal: I want you to take over all your team’s activities. Your performance has skyrocketed to the point where you were already doing most of the work in the entire team. The rest of your colleagues have been relieved of their contractual obligations, their values seemed to no longer align with the company culture we fostered here. I and our shareholders have decided to put our full trust in you and you have our full support moving forward. The mission your team had and now you have is essential for our company and we have full faith you will accomplish the targets we laid down. You’ve proven yourself loyal to the company and to our values, we also decided to offer you a 50% salary raise to go along with your promotion.” He stopped and patiently awaited my answer.

I thought I would remain speechless after the news that was delivered to me in such a casual manner, yet I instinctively started speaking: “It would be a great honor to carry on my team’s mission and I appreciate the recognition and praise I’ve been offered, I graciously accept the offer”. And just like that, in a recoil of shock and relief, I accepted my new position without any question.

After this interaction, I decided to go check up on one of my trial mates I befriended, after all, I thought, there was no way they fired someone with their experimental chip implanted. I asked one of the few people on the floor: “Hey, did you by any chance see Mark around here?”

“Oh, I am sorry, I thought everybody knew” he replied

“Knew what?”

“Mark is not here anymore.”

“He was let go?”

“Nasty business, he was found dead. Suicide, they suspect”

I was too stunned to say anything, why would anyone do such a thing? I quietly turned my back and tried to keep it together. I had to keep busy, I couldn’t think about that there and then. The day went on as a blur, I did the work of the entire team without too much of a hassle, all I needed was my chip. I barely noticed how time flew by in my quiet dissociation. I was there, but also far away, somewhere where my thoughts couldn’t catch me. I didn’t know Mark all that well, we befriended each other when the trial kicked off, we shared the hospital room after the surgery. He seemed like a pretty cheery person, he played bass guitar, he liked French philosophers, he would ramble on about absurdism and how nothing really makes sense, he used to joke that suicide was always an option, but I didn’t think he actually meant it. I opened up my work bag to pack up my things when I saw a gift I purchased for him, a book, the cover read: L'Étranger. Tried not to think about it, to send my mind on a vacation.

I was on my way home when I realized that my eyes were focused up on an ad. “All you need is a BOOST. Relieve stress and alleviate depression with the new hormone normalizing drug. Free yourself from anxiety today” it read. Taking a step back felt like the right call. I was tired and looking for a way to stay afloat, I went into a nearby drug store and got some Boost, popped one on my way back home and felt strangely out of it, like my mind and body were split apart for a while. It was exactly what I needed, I went to bed relaxed, slept like I never slept in ages.

What a strange cold, yet comfortable feeling, being split apart, the division of being into non conflicting parts. Is this what death is? Is this why Mark chose it? I start hearing a storm of voices, spiraling out. Each voice is its own, singing with no forced harmony, what a beautiful chaotic dissonance. When I wake up, I feel like I am mercilessly strangling them and only one phrase comes to mind: e pluribus unum.

I felt better in the morning, numb and empty, not as peaceful as while sleeping, but better than yesterday. I Boost up and get ready for the day.

I walk down to the shuttle station, when a sudden thought strikes me like a knife through the heart: “what if I would jump in front of it? What would happen?”. I shiver at the thought that just crossed my mind, shook my head as if to shake the thought away. “There is nothing wrong”, I told myself, “I am just a bit shaken, I should probably invest in a better bed now that I have some money to spoil myself with”. I went on with that day, purchased a new bed that arrived later that day, popped some pills, went to sleep. The next day I was informed at work that another one of the trial subjects decided to suddenly end their life. What was going on? I was a bit panicked. My life felt shaky, on my way home from work, I decided to stop by and purchase some expensive liquors I kept seeing advertisements about: fine aged whiskeys, gold leafed vodka bottles and ocean aged wine bottles. Truly, only the finest beverages.

The next few weeks I got into this habit, I started buying all sorts of things I saw, automated AI powered vacuum cleaners, dry aged wagyu steaks, the finest gold leafed cuban cigars, a neural port for seamless interfacing with our systems, no pleasure was out of my reach, this opium was all I needed. I even negotiated an even higher salary, they didn’t even flinch, shortly I was doing the work of my entire floor.

In the meantime, nobody came to claim anything from Mark’s desk, so I decided to take it upon myself to pack everything up and send it to his next of kin. I started packing all his stuff, when I noticed a giant book, with a note on top saying it was for me, the back of the note read: “What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not a goal”. It was a Bible, the classic King James’ Version to be precise, perhaps a gift he intended for me to receive after his departure. A bit of a peculiar gift, I wasn’t big on religion and as far as I knew he wasn’t either, even weirder, the quote was from Nietzsche who famously claimed that “God is dead”. I put it in my bag and continued packing. I ran out of Boost that day and things started being a bit hazy, the thoughts I fought off so fiercely had started to creep in slowly.

On my way home I thought of my place in the world, I looked at all the things I could and did buy and I felt an immense emptiness and sadness, feelings I pushed away and I tried to detach myself from. I did not want to Boost tonight, I wanted to feel something, things caught up to me and I could not look away from myself anymore.

What was my purpose? I found no joy in what I was doing, I found no love for the person I had become, I felt used, a tool, a dead end, not a bridge. I felt hate towards myself, it was all random chance, I didn’t earn any of this, I didn’t want any of this, I felt thrusted into this by forces outside my control. I felt bad for the people who lost their jobs because of me.

I pulled out the Bible I got from Mike’s desk, I opened it up and a revolver fell out of it, the pages were hollowed out in its shape, I got startled. The path seemed laid before me. I cannot destroy the system that brought me here, I can get out of the way of the people who can and choose not to participate in it anymore.

I now realize that all you need is to let go.